I’ve had an exchange of emails with a friend who lives in the UK, and the gist was how difficult it is to form friendships when you’re not on Facebook, not working, not in the bar or pub scene, not connected to a community. I gave that some thought and I think it would be really hard for me to form a friendship as an adult without a common interest like bicycling, sailing or singing.
Of course, me being me – I ruminated and thought about almost all of my friendships. Those I formed in elementary school and junior high, ones that stayed close on into our 30’s and 40’s and have slowly drifted apart. I understand why: living in different towns, children born in our middle and late 20’s grew to have activities of their own, and there just wasn’t time to keep the friendships going strong. I miss them, and I should make a better effort to reconnect.
There was a high school reunion for me last year, and it was really interesting to reconnect, and be Facebook friends after all those years. I’ve seen a couple of them since, so I think that’s good.
There’s the really close friends that we really make the effort to stay close, and the friendships that were only work-related The ones that formed at the Marina, and not being there anymore, they have drifted into reacquaintances. The friendships that crossed boundaries and aren’t able to continue except as awkward and uncomfortable experiences.
I have no idea what it would be like to not have friends. (excuse the double negative). I think it would be quite difficult and rather lonely. I am really grateful to have good friends, and I’m super grateful to be friends with one woman, Marcia, on into our thirty-eighth year together.
And to my UK friend, keep at it. You’ll form friendships soon, and in the meantime, know that I can be a good friend.
Feather in the Wilderness 
I think that would be really hard — I know it would be for me. I wish your friend well and hope that out there somewhere there’s someone, some chance happening, that will make a difference.
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For me it is my interests that get me into community: singing in the church choir, being the church’s liaison to the Boy Scout troop that meets at the church, crocheting for cancer patients (after being one), acquaintances become friends after sharing experiences. We are meant to live in community with others. Sometimes that is easy, sometimes it is difficult. Family members are not near. So I find family in community. And I know I am not alone.
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I’ve been very lucky to find community in some amazing volunteer groups. Two of them are based around ideas of mental health, and the growing body of research that shows the benefits of being out in nature. Even the volunteers there are also participants – the longer-running one was started by two friends who were at a low point, sitting in the garden and thinking how much just being out helps, and how nice it would be to bring that experience to others. It’s the only place I’ve found where everyone is greeted with a hug, and we can talk about our feelings, and there’s no judgement, and it’s totally ok to wander off when you’re feeling overwhelmed (as long as you let someone know).
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