Spock or Kirk

I haven’t been focusing a lot of attention on the Senate confirmation hearing, but I’ve seen the memes and listened to friends discuss it. I’m finding it all very troubling.

Mr. Spock, as you will remember, comes off as a cold analytical person, devoid of human emotion. Of course, we know that he is a hybrid: Vulcan on his father’s side, and human from his mother. In Spock, we see how he stuffs his emotions down deeper than anyone, essentially at war with his human half. He tries to live exclusively in his deep-thought half. This is the stereotype reinforced by the utter nonsense of ‘Big boys don’t cry.’ We see it again in the comments about Judge Kavanaugh, his emotional outburst makes him unfit to serve on the Supreme Court. This poses the question: Do we want the Supreme Court made up of nine Spocks? You can see how that would play out. Cases determined solely on the basis of reason and logic. When the facts are contradictory, or the evidence is absent, what decisions will be made? Perhaps it will be the strict ‘letter of the law’, or perhaps the case is remanded to the lower court. No intuition. No emotion. Perhaps the raised eyebrow, ‘That is illogical.’

We use different words to describe a woman that behaves as Spock: Cold, bitch, icy, bossy, angry.

I started writing this essay a couple of weeks back, and shelved it – unfinished – until I could coherently express myself. Until I had a language to clearly convey what is troubling me about my observations of the public political theatre. Part of this can be described as ‘toxic masculinity.’ As I write the phrase, I rail against the implied gender binary. Yet, in the society, the culture, that we collectively create and accept, gender binary is rigidly enforced.

I’ll leave you to ‘google’ toxic masculinity and all of its expressions while I focus on the limits imposed upon male identifying persons.

Anger. Probably the only cultural acceptable emotional expression for men in the toxic masculinity of our society. I doubt I need to point that out to you. I see it expressed in myself, all to often in my response to road-raging drivers, whether on my bicycle or in the car. Marcia is usually the one to point out my anger response, and I rationally know that it is a pointless response. Male rage is blind to anyone else. Any anger that I express towards the male rage is pointless for me, and only serves to increase the rage in the other man.

The other binder of male emotions is on hugging or crying. Perfectly acceptable in some other cultures, here we limit the expression to the field of sport. You’ve seen it, I know you have. And outside of sport is where the homophobic and denigrating phrases are used when it is viewed.

So I carefully choose the places where I can be truly authentic. General public, or the workplace? No. Constrained and restrained. Close loved ones, or church, or with church people? I usually feel safe.

I was at an annual gathering of United Church of Christ folk from all over Michigan this past weekend. After I gathered my lunch, and scanned the social hall for a place to sit, seeing that there’s a friend but the table is full, or there’s a spot at a table but I don’t know anyone there, I went with a comfort zone of mine – finding someone by themselves and asking, ‘Do you prefer to be by yourself, or may I join you?’ We introduced ourselves and chatted about the event until we were joined by another pastor that I know. Lunch continuing until she noted the semicolon tattoo on his right wrist. https://projectsemicolon.com/ Our conversation turned to depression and suicide, about Greg’s family, and as the attention then shifted to me, my response was silent tears. I said I was okay, and asked if I could pass. She revealed that her brother had died from depression and spoke of how her family continues to try to make sense of it. I shared that I could really understand the despair her brother was in, and I am working hard to change myself to be better capable to cope with my depression, and the occasional intrusive thought that I can’t suffer through another moment. As I dabbed my eyes with a tissue, in preparation to go to the next item on the agenda, I thanked her for making it a safe place, and my hope that her family’s grief would lessen in time.

We have to tear down this culture of toxic masculinity, because it is hurting and harming everyone, because it is killing, in part or in whole, each person. Life isn’t a game, and there are no sidelines.
To paraphrase what was said during my formative years: If you aren’t going to be, or aren’t a part of the solution – YOU are the problem.

(It occurs to me that I haven’t mentioned Kirk, his emotions expressed, his intuitive qualities that I can appreciate. Perhaps I have problems with his toxic masculinity, his bedding of way too many scantily clad women. You can strike the perhaps.)