I was driving to work in Ypsilanti at the end of July, thinking about how it had been a year or so since I hired on, and I was thinking about annual performance reviews.

I don’t know what the people that give these reviews are thinking, but I think they are just awful.

Here’s how mine used to go when I had to endure them:

1) Chit-chaty bullshit about how these are required by the administration, and have been revised again this year, and sorry about how this is about six or eight months late.

2) Exemplary employee, yada, yada, essentially empty platitudes, nothing specific about anything I had done well.

3) Blindside unattributed stuff about how I rubbed someone the wrong way at some point in the past year or more. Maybe something about how I seem to keep to myself, and don’t engage in any social chit-chat (that which I despise). (Me: Thinking about trying to do more than half the work of what three people used to do, and having been on-call for about the last decade – yeah, I might not be doing ‘office politics’ very well. Nor do I suffer fools or people that think out loud.)

4) Some reminder that the budget is tight, essential travel only, don’t spend any money you don’t have to (Wherein the internal dialog is: WTF, there’s people that are spending money they don’t have to?)

5) Some personal goal, or training, or something like that for the coming year. Right, and it can’t cost any money. (Me: Survive another year until I qualify for health care after I retire)

6) Do you have a comment about my supervision? (Me: Yes, I do. Innumerable. How exactly is it to my benefit to say anything when I haven’t seen any signs of change in the past?)

7) Sign here. (Me: No thanks – let me review this document for a day or two, and then I’ll sign

You might have experienced something similar.

And then it hit me: I have done a similar process evaluating myself. As Philip K. Dick says, ‘The problem with introspection is that it has no end.’

1) Skip that. No chit-chat needed with myself.

2) Vague recollections of something I did well in the last year.

3) So nit-picky, so harsh, too many recollections of what I didn’t do well – a lot of should-ing on myself.

4) Always the careful spender.

5) Personal goal? Really trying to care better for my mental and emotional health.

6) You really should lighten up on yourself. You’re better than you think you are.

7) Let’s repeat the process again. Tomorrow.

You might have experienced something similar.

And that’s when I said: ‘That can stop, right now.’

And I started just looking at today. What did I do that was kind? What did I see or feel that was pleasing? What do I need to let go of? Where’s my growing edge?

Don’t wait. Just today. Only today.

Here’s an article that I bookmarked a long time ago, and I need to re-read it occasionally: https://medium.com/personal-growth/how-to-see-yourself-clearly-skip-the-introspection-mode-c66bfb05c061

Be kind,

Harold