I am a good man

I like bicycling by myself. I like bicycling with others, too. But lately, what I have observed is how bicycling occupies part of my mind. That part focuses on potholes and pedestrians, bicycles, bollards and broken glass. I guess it’s then when my subconscious can sneak phrases of truth to the higher levels.

It was during one bicycle trip a few months ago to see David, my therapist. Somewhere along the River Trail the phrase “I think I’m going to make it” bubbled up. Later on, during my session as I was describing how I was feeling, there it was again. I think I’m going to make it.

During these depressive phases that I go through, it seems that the part of my brain that focuses on road hazards is focused on my foibles and failures. Every way that I am not the kind of person I want to be grows into dense layer that holds me away from life itself.

I am a good man. People will tell me that from time to time. Depression brain usually replies with a one-syllable utterance, or at best, ‘I try.’ In the glass half-empty, or maybe more accurately a cracked glass, the phrase slips through quickly and is gone.

And then last week, bicycling to therapy, I was surprised when I had this thought: ‘I am a good man.’ (This is not a way to seek your affirmations – rather, it’s my self-affirmation that is most important) I have not felt that I was good for a long time and it’s taken some months of time and therapy to get back there.

And last week, sometime into my session with David, I said, ”I am a good man.” “I am so glad to hear you say that,” said David, “because you are.”

I think I am going to make it. I am a good man. I wonder what subconscious phrase will bubble up on my bicycle ride today.